September 16, 2011
Hi. Quite a long time, ha.
I’ve been very busy. And if someone will tell you they’re not busy, I’m gonna smack them right through the hypocrisy of their pimple on their left cheek. I mean, come on! That’s unfair! I’m working my ass off to survive college and some person out there’s not busy? How can life be more unfair?
Anyway, the real thing is, I’ve been reading this book entitled ‘Garbo Laughs’ by Elizabeth Hay. And I just can’t finish it! For crying out loud! I can’t finish reading a book because of these goddamn school projects which puts my ass through hell. Why is school so demanding? Do teachers and professors even realize why students are very whiny? Or why they keep going to school late? Or why their eyebags never stopped growing?
I can’t stop hating school. What can I do? It’s the truth. I’ve always despised it since the first day my mother brought me to school. I’m a non-believer. I don’t like studying. I never fell in love with it. The only thing i care about is learning. Learning is what I need in life to live life. And in the case of the fuckeries that school is giving me, I only get 50% relevant stuff and the other half are all bullshits.
Other thing I love is reading. I hate my parents for not giving me books like Peter Pan or Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland kind of books when I was a kid. There’s not a point of my childhood that they made me read and that makes me sad because other kids got the opportunity to read at a young age. Now life is seriously more unfair. But I’m fine with that. I’ll be just calling this era of my life the renaissance.
I know I got to stop all this whining but can I just say one last thing that’s wearing me out? It’s groupworks. I hate groups. I hate dealing with other people for my survival because at some point I can always survive alone. I always value individuality. Sometimes a little too much but can I just have a world of mine? Please. I know you can’t give me that but can you go with me live a life without all this superficial things?
You see, I’m living a life now. Something I haven’t done for months. My Paolodome blog is updated catastrophically. Don’t let me tell you what I just did. Haha. So I think I’m more happy being an individual. I love being like this. Maybe I’ll just grow up alone and turn my hair gray. I don’t know where. We’ll see.
August 20, 2011
It’s been a long time, ha. I’ve been through a lot this past weeks. Some fascinating stuff happened and some are actually bad. Thinking that ‘bad’ is kindof an understatement. It was devastating.
The midterm examinations already ended and I think I did good. Average. I think I passed it all except one exceptional subject with exceptional professor. I’m not great with every subject at school but I always study important things. So I think the first half of the semester is a good shot for me.
On the bad side of everything, I messed up. It’s simply about everything. My future, my life, my family. I don’t know what will happen next. I just know I’m ready for the possibilities of unfortunate events each day. Who knows, right? It’s really weakening. The thought of what damage have I possibly done to my future. I jeopardized everything I worked hard for. I don’t know. I’m scared. But I can’t go on with my life being scared each day so I always try to be strong. I just hope that everything’s gonna be fine. I just hope that one day I will not regret things that I’ve done.Because regretting is the last act I would love to do in life.
What else do I want to talk about? My attention-span. Me and my friend, Ate Rosie, talked about how long we can focus on things and I realized that I really have a very short attention-span. Some said because of the television. Growing up spending most of my time in front of the tv, we have to realize how much our attention focuses on different things because of tv commercials and other sorts of stuff. But another point I can imply with this is because of the internet. Damn you, Innerrnet! Because of the tabs I open and just lose my attention with each one. I can barely start reading a text with each tab. That sucks. And that leads to how much time I spend reading novels. Sigh.
I already finished reading The Hunger Games Trilogy. I am a fan of the first book. A believer of the second one. And one of those who despise Suzanne Collins for writing a loosely plot third and final book. The third book bore the hell out of me! It’s so different with the first two. The romance is so annoying yet it felt like nothing. The actions are gruesomely not breathtaking. I don’t know what happened to that book. Good thing Jona warned me about this. I and Suzanne Collins will talk about the revision of the ending. Haha
Hmm. Friend. I hope you’re really a friend. I hope you really do respect me as well as know the depth of my being. I hope you will not turn your back on me when everybody else do. I’m really scared of being judge by one piece of junk of my poor decisions in life. Oh, I hate to think about it.
At the end of the day. It’s still school that bugs me out. I hate school! I hate going to school! There’s one book I read before about the demands of life and how school interferes with it. Just the fact of going to school and sitting with your ass for hours is just infuriating. And the projects, don’t get me started. I hate the projects during college. I hate group work. I despise it!
Maybe this just needs to end here before I start cursing every person and names I could call out. Bottom line is we don’t know what may come tomorrow. Or by next week. Or for the next two years. We just better live life as if it’s our last day.
August 04, 2011
Yes, I’m writing again. Who would have thought it’s gonna be this soon. Oh well, I guess life always needs a bump.
Let me tell you how infuriating school is getting. I hate it more and more each day. I just don’t think I am built to sit in a class and do stuff. That’s not me doing the demands that school gives me. I just never loved it.By the way, midterm examinations is coming and I’m going nuts. I don’t think the frustrations I have right now can help me pass those exams.
Another thing I have to rant about school is the kids. Yes, I call my classmates kids because I don’t friggin’ get it why they keep wanting attention. They love talking loud about stuff, I think they have built-in megaphones in their throats. Also, I don’t get people who wants to jump to the crowd and add to their noise. It’s excruciating seeing them in quite a daily basis, you know.
Relative to that issue is me being an introvert and a wallflower. And by that, I have to clear things out, I call myself a wallflower not just because I wanted to but because that’s how I really behave. Often seen in the background with no talking. I just listen, I just see things. And it’s because we are all different.
Moreover my personal life, I think I have to stop thinking about things. I really have to. I have to have a little pause here to stop thinking like this, if you know what I mean. It’s like I always have this pool of thoughts inside my head and it’s very mind-boggling for each day. It’s like information overload. And if I were a computer, maybe I’m now in the dumps.Why can’t I just stop thinking about different thoughts and just jump to one good conclusion. Why?
I suddenly realized something, it’s about people’s true feelings. Maybe if people will just say what the truth is maybe others will stop hoping. And then there’s gonna be less damage. Less hurt. I sometimes hope all people are gay just to become sensitive about stuff.
Another thing about the truth is I think life is life and not a dream. Now I finally realized that I’d rather stay awake and be hurt rather than sleeping in dream full of lies. I hate being on the side of being stuck between the lines of dream and reality. Ugh. The competition is getting really cut-throat and steeper. But I already know what the truth is. Waiting is just another cliche form of saying that love takes time. The last three sentences are very random, I’m sorry.
Will I ever stop saying things? Will I ever stop doing this? I don’t know. All I know right now is my life is all fucked up and one more mess and I’m gonna be all dead. I hate expressing myself in writing because I know I can’t express this with my mouth. I’m too shy to do that. Maybe I’m bound to see things and look in every perspective of it. Maybe I’m just another guy you can left behind. Maybe I’m just another person who loves more drama. If any of these are true. I don’t care anymore. Maybe by the age of 25 I’m gonna be in a mental ward in Mandaluyong or what’s worse, maybe I’m dead.
I just wish I could go back to the 20’s or the regency period. Because then, things are a lot less damaging. No internet to screw young minds. No movies and music that are just make-believes. No television with bended information. Simple life. Simple thinking.
August 1, 2011
You don’t have any idea how much I wanted to do this since the last time I wrote to you. I just want to express more of what I am feeling right now. The mix feeling of grief and happiness.
Why is is that everything that you want to be and where you want to be in life is always ruined by the demands of life itself. It’s hilarious, thinking of what to do next when the next thing that faces you is another problem. It’s hurtful when you’re listening to a song and you know it feels good but at some point it pinches your heart. Just like what this Eraserheads song is doing to me right now.
I honestly can’t believe I keep talking this way. Whining and ranting about how my life sucks. Isn’t this how 1st year high schools are supposed to talk and not a third year college student? Why am I doing this? Maybe, I really need someone to talk to.
Is it just me or everyone wants to have a rewind with their life? Not merely because of regret but to straighten things up, you know. For a change. Kidding aside, I just can’t stop thinking about what Charlie said in the book
So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
So I guess I need to stop over analyzing my life.
Anyway, I’m halfway done with The Hunger Games Trilogy. Isn’t it great? I’ve read something I didn’t expect to like but here I am inlove with Katniss Everdeen and thinks I am Peeta Mellark. I keep having daydreams of being in Panem. I think it’s the most unusual place I can think of I’m living in. So, Mockingjay’s next, I hope it’ll be a great read.
I don’t want to talk about people now. They make me feel sad. Situations in life are very depressing. If you know what I mean. So I need to start making myself happy.
July 19, 2011
Today I ended up really really tired after clumsily planning our group project. All I know is that we suck though we still managed to finish interviewing some other establishments. But that’s not what runs in my mind right now. I just wonder why I don’t have a lot of guy friends.
This thought always come to my mind every time there’s a grouping in the class. It’s like I am destined to end up dealing with a bunch of girls and sometimes it’s a little tiring because girls are either great doing tasks or not simply dumb even following simple instructions. I like my group mates. I really do. I enjoy staying in the background while they talk and I’ll just say something if they’ll stare at me waiting for what I’m going to say.
So how many guy friends do I have right now in college? Just a few. And by that word it means you can count if with your fingers, maybe in just one hand. Back in high school I’m all friends with the entire class(yes, both girls and boys) because I’m the class president. But right now in college, even though I’m already in my third year, it still seem very hard for me to be with them. I don’t get it why I don’t feel comfortable with them.
As I entered college which seemed to be so far from today, I really became even more introverted than ever. More aloof and lonesome. I’ve grown to love being that way. Stay away from the crowd who I call ‘the bunch of teenagers who thinks they know everything and thinks that Katy Perry or Lady Gaga is a great artist’. I don’t think i can blend with them.
I’ve written couple of paragraphs already but I still haven’t answered my question in the first paragraph. One college friend told me once that I seemed to look sophisticated and cold, that’s why our guy classmates don’t talk to me a lot. Well, that’s how I roll. Kidding aside, I think they just don’t see me as someone they can share thoughts like playing computer games and sports which in my mind is the ‘mainstream’ college guy thing nowadays.
It’s radical to think why they don’t talk to me. I sometimes feel sad. I’m supposed to be befriending boys before girls but that doesn’t make sense. They don’t want to talk to someone who wants to go home immediately after class. Or someone who doesn’t even know how to play DOTA or even the simple Counter Strike. Or can’t even play the guitar which made me a lot less cooler than what they think. Or someone who listens to jazz standards and classical music. Or that someone who reads novels. I wonder how they choose their friend and how they choose what food to eat.
Speaking of novels, I’ve finished reading a really NICE book yesterday. It’s called ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ by Stephen Chbosky. If you find the authors’ name impossible to pronounce, look it up with Google. Reading it was a joy, a total pleasure to my bones. It’s like I’m in my own world. I read it not because somebody told me to read it. I don’t have a Bill in real life. Though I think Emma Watson kindof urged me to read it. And not so surprising, I liked it a lot and there’s no way it’ll not influence me so here I am doing it the way Charlie did it. Not really copying the way he did it but somehow inspired to share something to someone. I think it’s better to express myself this way even though I don’t think someone will be interested reading long texts like this. I don’t know whether I’ll still do it the next days but that’s just me, a little inconsistent.
Maybe the guys in my school doesn’t really need a friend like me. Not that I’m a waste of space but I don’t think I’m a loss to them. What they need in life is a hot girlfriend and couple of sidekicks and peers and play guitar with them. Maybe friendship between me and them is not part of the long chapters of my life.
I wonder how I will react if I’ll find them riding the same jeepney or bus with them in six years.